Lately I’ve been going through some challenges. You know, growing older, raising children, constantly questioning my decisions, etc. I understand that trials will be part of this life and that through those trials You teach us valuable lessons. But sometimes I have small doubts about Your timing. Sometimes, in my humble human brain I can’t piece together the exact reasoning You have about some of the things that happen in my life.
You’ve definitely proven to me over and over again that I am not in control of this life.
I always thought that I would have a career that fulfilled me, and You brought me together with a man with very different ideas. I always thought I’d stay home with my kids until they went to school and then I’d find a job. Then You brought me into homeschooling. I had decided that three children were plenty, and now You’ve gifted me a fourth. It is quite obvious that You are in control.
As I’ve grown older and grown in the word, I’ve slowly but surely been able to release my grasp on control; not for Your good but for my own. As I’ve let go, I’ve gained such a feeling of contentment. As I’ve let go, I’ve gained a freedom that I’ve never known before. As I’ve let go, I’ve made time for other things that actually are my responsibility.
However, Lord, You still find ways to remind me to trust You.
You find ways to send me messages like, “Your day will go smoother if you’d start it with Me,” or “Take care of your children, your husband, AND yourself.” The latter seems like a long hard road that we’re now traveling down. Years of neglecting myself has finally caught up with me and I have been physically forced to slow down.
However, Your goodness and love never fails me.
You placed people in my life to support me during this time: friends to bring meals and clean my kitchen, grandparents to watch the kids, and an amazingly compassionate husband to understand. And through the rest, You revealed to me just how much I’d been neglecting myself.
I can’t help but wonder though, if You’re really sure You know what You’re doing?
I mean, through the pain and discussion of back surgery You brought into my womb a beautiful new life. How wonderful! But why now? Why, when I was on a dangerous medication? Why, when my baby was just barely 10 months old? Why, when our house is already nearly stretched to its limit?
Please don’t misunderstand.
I am incredibly grateful for this beautiful blessing. I’ve seen the pain of a barren womb and I thank You for this miracle inside of me. But Lord, was this really the best time? Proverbs 3:5-6 says:
Obviously, I haven’t given up as much control as I thought.
If I had, I wouldn’t be questioning Your perfect timing. I remember in those first days when I was in such pain that there was no sleep, no rest for my mind, body, or soul. In those days I remember asking You fervently to reveal the lesson that You had for me in this trial. As the pain lessened and I found my new normal, that plea slowly faded away.
I know that You aren’t done with me yet, and for that I’m grateful.
Perhaps You intend to teach me patience. Perhaps it’s more about putting my faith in You and not in the hands of any surgeon. Perhaps it’s about bringing glory to You in my time of weakness. I have yet to discover Your perfect plan through all of this Lord, but I know that I can trust in You. Through my struggles and my failures, You’ve always been by my side. Please forgive me for questioning Your perfect plan and open my eyes to the many lessons I have yet to learn. Thank you for Your goodness and Your love.
Your humbled doubter