I am telling my story because when people look at me today and I tell them that I struggle with my weight, they do not believe me. They think, “Oh, what does she know? She’s always been thin.”
I was not a fat child. I was actually very skinny growing up. But I was like any other awkward teen girl going through puberty: I started gaining weight. At five foot four inches tall and weighing 132 pounds, I was pudgy. I was told I was fat and I believed it. This was back in the eighties (and yet I’m still only 39) and stick-thin was in and I did not fit the mold. All I could see in the mirror was my fat. I began to obsess over the fat.
I started to diet. I could not lose the weight fast enough and all I could see was fat so I just stopped eating. At one point, I lived on one small bag of chips and one Coke each day. The weight started falling off. (I was also growing.) Before I knew it, I was down to 105 pounds and was five foot seven inches tall. Yet still all I saw was fat. I saw fat where there was none. I continued to “diet” and lose weight because I would not eat. I got down to 95 pounds and was 5’8″. Everyone commented on how skinny I was but I still saw fat.
One morning, I passed out and hit my head. This is when my mother found out I was not eating. She threatened to put me in the hospital for an IV. (She was a nurse and I have an immense fear of needles but that is for another post.) That got me to start eating. I maintained that weight but I still only saw fat.
I could not see myself the way others saw me, NOR could I see myself the way God saw me. At the time, I did not have a personal relationship with Christ. I could not understand true acceptance. I was truly lost. I thought all my self-worth was in my looks.
I wish that I could say that once I accepted Christ as my personal Savior, I never battled weight issues again. I struggle to this day with looking in the mirror and accepting my body. I still see fat (yes, there really is fat now); I just do not let it define who I am and who I want to be. I no longer weigh 95 pounds. I am at a good healthy weight and God has given me three healthy children. I know I will never be a size 1 again. But, now when I get upset with the way I look, I go to God and He reminds me that I am his child and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I should not look to the world for acceptance. God looks at our hearts not our bodies. He loves His children in spite of ourselves. His love is unconditional.
This is the first in a series of eating and living healthy. I will be sharing tips and recipes.
Tip #1. Eat 1 cup of raw vegetables before each meal. This helps by filling your stomach with healthy food first. Then, it also helps to fill you up so you won’t eat as much.
Asian Chicken Stir Fry
1 chicken breast, sliced thin
1 onion, slivered
1 bell pepper, sliced
1 c. broccoli florets
1 c. cauliflower flowers
1/2 c. carrots, thinly sliced diagonally
1/2 c. snow peas
1 clove garlic, minced
2 T. soy sauce, tamari, or Braggs Amino Acid
Salt and pepper to taste
1 T. grapeseed oil
Heat large skillet or wok over high heat. Add oil. Add strips of chicken and stir continuously. Add vegetables and stir. Add salt and pepper and soy sauce. Stir and serve over rice.
What is something that you struggle with? How do you deal with it?
Do you go to God first or do you listen to the world?
Do you know God’s unconditional love?
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Toni. I had no idea! I have always seen you as a confident, beautiful woman that God created. Thanks for sharing and being an inspiration for others to share!
Thank you, Linda. I think that is what so many do not realize. It’s a constant battle. Anytime I gain weight, I worry that I’m going to slip back and if I lose too much weight, I worry if I’ve gone too far. This is something that I have only shared with a handful of people but recently have felt God urging me to share.
[…] you have been reading my posts on health, you will remember the post about my anorexia. For most of my life, I have had problems with my body image. Over the last several years, as I […]
[…] passing that ended up changing who I was. On at least one occasion, it caused me harm. I became anorexic because of something that was said to me. I’m sure most of these things were not said to […]